Volume II
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executed 3rd of April, 1719 minister of Honiton, in Devonshire, and was a very wild untoward child even from infancy. However, his indulgent father, in order to provide for him, bestowed as much learning upon him as qualified him to be clerk to an attorney in Lion's Inn, in Holywell street, at the end of the New Church in the Strand; but he soon falling into extravagant company, and addicting himself very much to drunkeness and whoredom, ran away from his master before he had served him three years, and betook himself to the highway in order to support himself in the pursuit of those vices. He had such ill luck, nevertheless, in his new profes- sion, as to be taken in the very first robbery he attempted to commit, and accordingly he was sent to Winchester Jail brought to trial and condemned. However, his father made such interest for him at Court that Queen Anne, who was always known to have a great veneration for the clergy, in consideration of his father's being one of that order, was prevailed upon to grant him a pardon, upon condition of his being transported out of her Majesty's dominions, and not settling in any part of Europe for the term of seven years, within six months after his going out of jail. During the time of the six months which he was allowed to remain in his native country, great interest was also made again to get him off with his transportation ; but that favour not being obtained, his father sent him to Varujayati, in the mission of Madure, on the coast of Coromandel, in the East Indies. In this country the natives still retain that barbarous and inhuman custom of obliging women of an exalted station to burn themselves with the bodies of their deceased husbands. Accordingly, Horner happening to carry with him a wife, an Englishwoman, who was a great beauty, she was taken from him and married to an Indian prince, at whose death she suffered in the manner aforesaid. After the expiration of the term of seven years, for which he was transported, he came back to England, when, his father and mother being both dead, he received from their executors five hundred pounds, which his parents had be- queathed to him in case he was alive and returned home in such a limited time from the making of the will. But the abandoned reprobate, not forgetting his former extrava- gances, nor taking warning by his past sufferings, soon consumed all this money, and he had again recourse to the highway. One day, being upon his rambles in quest of prey, and coming up with a rich farmer---" Well overtaken, friend," said Horner; " methinks you look melancholy: pray what may be your affliction? If you are under any misfortunes by crosses and losses in the world, perhaps it may be in my power to relieve you." The farmer very frankly replied : "Ah! dear sir, were I to say that I have had any losses in the ing man all my lifetime, and should want for nothing had I but content. But indeed I have crosses enough, through a damned scolding wife at home, who, though I am the best of husbands to her, and daily do my utmost endeavour to make her and my children happy, yet is she always raving and scolding about the house like a madwoman, insomuch that I am daily teased out of my life. Nay, if there's any such thing as perpetual motion, as some virtuosos affirm, I am sure it is in my wife's tongue; for it never lies still from morning till night. Nay, scolding is become so habitual to her that she cannot forbear it even in her sleep. Where- fore, could any man tell me a remedy that would cure it, I have a hundred pounds about me in gold and silver which I would freely give him with all my heart for so great a benefit as I should receive by taming this confounded shrew." At the mention of the agreeable name of a hundred pounds Horner pricked up both his ears and answered : " Sir, I will first tell you the ingredients which enter into the composition of a scold, and the cause of a distemper being truly known, 'twill be the more easy to complete the cure. You must understand, then, that Nature, in making an arrant scold, first took of the tongues and galls of bulls, bears, wolves, magpies, parrots, cuckoos and nightingales, each a like number; the tongues and tails of vipers, adders, snails and lizards, six apiece; aurum fulminans, aqua fortis and gunpowder, of each one pound; the clappers of seventeen bells and the pestles of thirty apothecaries' mortars. These being all mixed together, she calcined them in Mount Strombolo, and dissolved the ashes in water taken just under London Bridge at three-quarters' flood; she then filtrated the whole through the leaves of Calepine's Dictionary, to render the operation more verbose, after which she distilled it a second time through a speaking trumpet, and closed up the remaining spirits in the mouth of a cannon. "Then she opened the graves of all newly deceased pettifoggers, mountebanks, barbers, coffee-men, newsmongers and fishwives from Billingsgate, and with the skin of their tongues made a bladder, which she covered over drum- heads, and filled with storms, tempests, whirlwinds, thunder and lightning; and in the last place, to make the whole composition the more churlish, she cut a vein under the tongue of the dog-star, extracting from thence a pound of the most choleric blood, and then, sublimating the spirits, she mixed them up with the foam of a mad dog, and putting all together in the fore-mentioned bladder stitched them up therein with the nerves of Socrates' wife." "A damned compound indeed this is," rejoined the farmer. "Surely it must be impossible at this rate for any man to tame a scold." " Not at all," continued Horner; "for when she first begins to be in her fits, which you may perceive by the bending of her brows, then apply to her a plaster of good words; after that give her a wheedling potion, and if that will not do, take a birch rod and apply the same with a strong arm from shoulder to flank, according to art; that will infallibly complete the cure." The farmer, being very well pleased with the prescription, not only gave Horner many thanks, but a good treat at the next inn they came to. Afterwards they rode on together again, and when they came to a convenient place, said Horner : " Will you be pleased to pay me now, sir, for the good advice I have given you? " " I thought, sir," answered the farmer, " that the treat I gave you in return was sufficient satisfac- tion." " No, sir," quoth Horner, " you promised a hundred pounds, and, d--n me, sir," continued he, presenting a pistol to his breast, " deliver your bag this instant, or you are a dead man." At this rough compliment the farmer delivered it to him ; but not without a hearty curse or two, and swearing withal that his wife should pay dearly for it the first time he tried the experiment of the birch rod upon her. Not long after this exploit Horner met with a gentleman upon Hounslow Heath, whom he saluted with the terrify- ing words: " Stand and deliver." Whereupon the person assaulted gave him what money he had about him, amount- ing to about six guineas, and said to him : " Truly, sir, you love money better than I do, to venture your neck for it." I only follow the general way of the world, sir," quoth Horner, which now prefers money before either friends or honesty, yea, some before the salvation of their souls; for it is the love of gold that makes an unjust judge take a bribe; a corrupt lawyer plead a wrong cause in defiance of truth and justice; a physician kill a man whom he pretends to cure, without fear of hanging; a surgeon keep a patient long in hand, by laying on one plaster to heal, and two to draw his wound. 'Tis gold that makes the tradesman tell every day a thousand lies behind the counter, in putting off his bad wares; 'tis that makes the butcher blow his veal, the tailor covet so much cabbage, the miller take toll twice, the baker wear a wooden cravat, and the shoemaker stretch his leather as he does his conscience. In short, 'tis that makes gentlemen of the pad, as I am, wear a Tyburn tippet, or old Storey's cap, on some country gallows, which all of our noble profession value no more than you, sir, do the losing of this small trifle of six guineas." Next day Horner overtook, beyond Maidenhead Thicket, a young man and a young woman who were going to be married at Henley-upon-Thames, with a couple of bridesmen and bridesmaids. These he presently attacked, which put the young people into the utmost consternation, especially the intended bride- groom, who told Horner upon what design they were going, and added that he would prevent their marriage, at least that day, if he took their money from them. But he was inexorable and deaf to all their entreaties, and immediately stripped them of every farthing of their coin, to the value of twenty guineas, to the no small mortification of the young couple. However the ill-natured rogue, not satisfied therewith, demanded also the wedding-ring, for which the intended bridegroom entreated him yet more earnestly than for his money; but Horner being resolutely bent upon having it, they delivered it to him; whereupon he said: " You foolish young devils, do you know what you are going about? Are you voluntarily going to precipitate yourselves into inevitable ruin and destruction, by running your heads into the matrimonial noose with your eyes open? Do you know it is an apprenticeship for life, and a hard one too? You had better be ruled by me, and take one another's words; and if you do, you'll find in taking my counsel that it is the best day's work you ever did since the hour of your birth." Not long after this exploit a lady of distinction, being alone in the stage-coach that goes between Colchester and London, was informed by the coachman, as they were coming by Braintree, in Essex, that if her ladyship had any things of value about her, it would be her best way to secure them as well as she could, for he saw several suspicious fellows scouting up and down the heath, whom he mis- trusted to be highwaymen. Upon this caution the lady put her gold watch, a purse of guineas and a very fine suit of laced head-cloths under her seat. This done she dishevelled her hair in a very uncouth manner all over her head and shoulders, by which time Horner had ridden up to her, and presenting a pistol into the coach demanded her money. Hereupon the lady, who was a very fine woman, having great presence of mind, bethought herself of acting the part of a lunatic, which she did to the life, for opening the coach door and leaping out, and taking Horner by one of his legs, she shrieked out in a most piteous and lamentable shrill voice: " Ah! dear Cousin Tom, I am glad to see you. I hope you will now rescue me from this rogue of a coach- man, who is carrying me, by that villain my husband's order, to Bedlam for a madwoman." " D---n me," replied Horner, " I am none of your cousin; I don't know you. I believe you are mad indeed, so Bedlam is the fittest place for you." " Ah! Cousin Tom," said the lady again, " but I will go along with you; I won't go to Bedlam." She then clung close to Horner and his horse, and counterfeited lunacy with such dexterity that he really thought it natural, and asked the coachman: " Do you know this mad b-h? " Yes," replied the coachman, " I know the lady very well she is sadly distracted, for she has torn her head-cloths all to pieces and thrown them away as we came along; and I am now going with her by her husband's orders to London, to put her into a madhouse, where she may be cured; but not into Bedlam, as she supposes." " E'en take her then along with you to the devil, if you will," said Horner in a passion, " for I thought to have met with a good purchase, and I find now there is nothing to be got of this mad toad." So he set spurs to his horse and rode away as fast as he could, for fear of being plagued any more with her, for she seemed mighty fond of her cousin, and ran a good way after him; but after he was gone out of sight she was better pleased with his absence than his company, and got safe to London. When attempting to rob a couple of gentlemen in Devon- shire Horner was taken, and committed to Southgate, in Exeter; and receiving sentence of death he was hanged, on Friday, 3rd of April, 1719, aged thirty-two years. |