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Volume 27, Number 1 (2003) reprinted by permission of the journal EAST OVERSHOE STATE AT THE TRADING DEADLINE ROBERT M. JARVIS* As you are aware, I began this season seeking to get us one or two superstars to bolster our U.S. News & World Report standings. As the only school not included in the rankings, I felt this would immediately catapult us into the fourth quartile. Unfortunately, I was not able to lure anyone of even mild repute, as even their research assistants proved inaccessible. However, I am very pleased to report that I did receive firm promises from several retired business school professors to be placed on their reprint mailing lists. This should go a long way toward advancing our efforts at interdisciplinary research. Having been rebuffed in my initial bid, I next set my sights on the authors of weighty books, inasmuch as the library continues to sit empty and the Student Bar Association recently voted to turn it into an after-hours club (I understand that faculty members will be given a 10% discount at the door). Through much effort, I finally worked a deal– with a law school that has made me promise to keep its name out of this matter–for Professor Reginald Wishbone, the country’s top man in Cosmetology Law. With our friendly support and help, I am sure his enviable list of internally published, forthcoming, and in-progress works will only lengthen in the years ahead. At recent alumni functions, many of our graduates have spoken to me about our first year curriculum and how we ought to have one. I therefore instructed the Recruiting Committee, which again this year was ably chaired by Professor Featherstock’s wife Gertrude, to go to the AALS meat market and find candidates able to teach contracts. Surprisingly, many people were located who are interested–even eager– to teach this subject, although none were willing to come here. I have therefore decided that each new student will be given a copy of the movie Paper Chase at orientation. Although I do not believe this will significantly impact next year’s budget, I am having Professor Heimlich look into the question of whether annually making 300 copies will qualify as ‘fair use’ if we are sued. I also strove this year to shore up our second and third year offerings. Far be it from me to criticize the senior faculty, given your ability to fire me on a whim and the recent drop in the value of my retirement account. With our bar pass rate having reached zero, however, improvement seemed called for in at least some areas. Yet after carefully reviewing the catalogs of other law schools, I discovered that bar courses are no longer being taught. It seems tenured faculty members insist on teaching only arcane seminars directly related to their narrow fields of interest. Accordingly, I have resolved that we should join the rest of the academy and dispense with all courses that may be of even remote use to our students. I am delighted to report that in addition to working the American market, I went international this year and lined up deals with two of the world’s hottest law schools: Kosovo U. and Afghan State. Starting immediately, we will be having faculty exchanges with both. While they have advised me that they will not be sending any faculty to us, they are very much looking forward to receiving any goods for which a ready resale market exists on eBay. All in all, I think we did rather well for ourselves, and I believe that the likelihood of my being this school’s last dean has been greatly enhanced, if not completely assured. However, given that we will be adding only one new faculty member, all of us are going to have to pick up the slack and work a little harder next year. In particular, I may have to insist that each of you begin making monthly visits to the building. I very much regret this imposition on your valuable time, especially in light of how well our new payroll direct deposit program is working. Let me assure you, however, that I will be meeting with the central administration in the near future to see how we can eliminate the reason for my request–namely, the student body–so that you may return as quickly as possible to your respective practices and other outside-income-producing activities. [Note: Following questions, the meeting ended at 3:06 p.m. and the faculty retired to the study for sherry.] * Professor of Law, Nova Southeastern University. |
