Tarlton Law Library
Jamail Center for Legal Research

Lawyer Dog

You would think a lawyer wouldn't have to worry
About being sued, but I guess if you hang around people who
Hang around courtrooms you should maybe expect them to go
Crazy sometimes, like you're the gun they tried to shoot
     somebody with
And they missed by god and so the damn gun must not be
     shooting straight,
So throw the damn thing on the floor, I mean if you see a
     whining, snarling dog
Being set on by a pack of coyotes and you stick your hand in
     there thinking
You're going to help the dog (for a small fee, of course) you
     shouldn't be
Surprised when it turns around and bites you.  You're just one
     more thing 
To gnaw on.  Of course some people think lawyers are the
     snarling dogs in the first place,
And if you're the dog going woof woof by god why did you look
     cross-eyed at my master you
Shouldn't be surprised if some scruffier dog comes along and
     says woof woof why did you screw up
My master's life.  I mean a dog is a dog is a dog and a dog has to
      bark at somebody, and if there ain't
Anything else on the street then you go barking at the other
     dogs.  Not just barking either but rushing in and
Biting the sons of bitches good, I mean we're talking a death
     hold if necessary, we don't want
Master thinking we're not on his case or he might sue us.  And
     admit it, by god, you screw things up
All the time, you catch the judge in a bad mood and you just
     happen to have the wrong look in your eyes that day,
Like if the judge kicked you you might snap back or something,
     which is exactly the wrong look to ever have
Before a judge, because the judge is the judge is the judge, and
     the judge does whatever the hell the judge wants to,

Short of shooting you, or taking bribes in open court, and that's
     the dirty little secret we don't
Tell our clients about, really, most of the time, like
It doesn't really matter what the law says, if the judge really
     wants to go a certain way he'll find
A way to do it, and the only thing to keep a judge half honest is
     the other judges, which is a bit
Like lawyers guarding lawyers, or auditors auditing auditors,
     woof woof you big bad crooked lawyer dog,
I'm going to sue your sorry ass, which is one hell of a note.  So if
     I sue a doctor and I screw up,
My client gets another dog and he sues me, and then I got to get
A dog of my own, and then maybe the insurance company
     doesn't want to pay, and so I get
A dog to sue them, and maybe he screws up, and I get a dog to
     sue him,  and it's hard 
To sleep in the middle of the racket.  I mean, we got a serious
     dog problem here and I don't know
What to do about it, my malpractice is $1000 a year, and that's
     without the extended tail, meaning
If they sue me after I get disgusted and quit, the insurance
     company ain't going to pay,
Because the tail costs extra.  A dog without a tail is just walking
     around daring some other dog
To sic him.  So I got to find that many more people to bite just to
     pay my premiums
So if I don't bite somebody just right they don't send in 
Some hungrier dog to take me on.  I mean if this keeps up
I'll be suing myself, biting my tail and gnawing my legs off.

Kenneth King is a native of Kentucky, and taught English at a community college before taking up the study of law in 1995. He obtained his undergraduate degree from Berea College, an M.A. from the University of Kentucky, a doctorate in English from the University of Nebraska, and his J.D. from Vanderbilt in 1998. His poetry appeared in various literary journals and magazines before he went to law school. After law school, King  clerked for the US Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit, worked for Legal Aid, and practiced law in Somerset, Kentucky. In the fall of 2003, King returned to full-time teaching in the English Department at Western Kentucky University. 
Kenneth King notes that "Lawyer Dog" is absolutely not meant to be construed as an endorsement of the current proposals for "tort reform." The poem is previously unpublished.